Love is an amazing event that grows between two people. You can love someone and yet at times be disrespectful and unloving towards each other. This cycle is heart-wrenching and can erode love quicker than anything. The cycle begins with a person in the relationship feeling hurt, unloved or disrespected and leads to this person feeling justified in their poor behavior. .
We all have the right to be treated with respect no matter what. We all have inherent value and worth.
1. Two people agree that it is unacceptable to be disrespectful.
2. Agree that time-outs are OK. (Walk away in a good way)
3. Wait twenty four hours to talk again about issues.
*Many people find that after 24 hours the original issue isn’t as important as remembered.
Hello, this is Sevin Philips. Love is one of the most beautiful things that we have to share with one another. Yet, the number one offender with love is being disrespectful with one another. It’s a heart-wrenching cycle.
One of the most dangerous things about it is that when we feel hurt and we feel disrespected by one another, well, we feel justified to treat the other person poorly, unloving and disrespectful.
One of the best ways to do this is to turn it around and really get to the bottom of it, which is that none of us have the right to treat one another disrespectfully no matter what. We all have inherent worth. We all have inherent value.
The faulty thinking that we actually have the right to harm one another is the thing that gets us into the most trouble.
What we do have a right to do is we have the right to take care of ourselves. We aren’t doormats. What I like to do with couples is to switch them from having justifiable anger moving towards “You have the right to take care of yourself.”
The first step is to agree with one another it is unacceptable to be disrespectful to one another no matter what. What we do have the right to do, and what the next step would be, is that we can take of ourselves by having a timeout.
This could look as simple as saying, “Listen, I’m so angry, I can’t talk to you anymore. We’ll talk about this later.” If that’s as best as it can come out, that’s completely fine.
This is going to be very difficult for some people because it’s unbearable sometimes to have conflict that’s unresolved. To have it unresolved even for a minute can feel like a year. But you have to ask yourself: is it more important to fight this out and perhaps harm one another or to wait a while, do it in a good way and have some real healing happen between you two?
So bearing it is definitely a good practice. For those of you who think this is a get out of jail free card – “Oh, I get to do a timeout whenever I want” – it’s not true actually. You do need to come back and talk about it.
Having said this, I oftentimes suggest, even though it could be a couple of hours when you actually feel better, you can come back and talk about it – often suggest 24 hours. What’s really interesting about this is couples will come back and tell me, “I could barely remember why I was so upset.” This really goes to show that oftentimes the things that we fight about, that we argue about and hurt one another over are often smaller things that aren’t worth doing. They definitely aren’t worth harming the love that we have with one another.
Please take this practice. Check it out. Protect the love that you have. Protect yourself and your own right to take care of yourself, and let the love grow.