Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m here to talk about early relationship deal breakers. I think it’s a trap that most of us fall into when we find somebody we really like, we don’t want to examine whether or not they’re a healthy person to be with, because if we do, we might have to let them go and we just don’t want to. But what we find is that we end up in longer-term relationships that fail and become very painful because we’ve chosen an unhealthy person.
Now, no one’s perfect. This is an art, this is a practice, but part of the practice means that if you want to be in a healthy relationship, you have to be more discerning in the beginning, you have to look for things that you need to have in order to have a healthy relationship, and you need to be willing to let go of somebody if they’re not able to meet you there.
Some deal breakers for me are:
• Somebody who crosses boundaries. You want to make sure when you tell somebody you’re uncomfortable that they don’t cross that boundary; they’re respectful of you.
• You want to find somebody who has the capacity for self-examination. If you get into a fight, are they able to look at their side of things instead of just blaming you?
• You want to find somebody who has a full and rich life outside of your relationship. What happens is that if someone doesn’t have a balanced life, they end up being more needy and clingy, and it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.
• You want to find somebody who appreciates you and can communicate that appreciation. Life can be arduous. If you’re living together for long periods of time without appreciation, you can feel taken for granted. Find somebody who’s warm-hearted, and appreciative, and gracious – you deserve it.
• You want to find somebody who’s grounded enough in their own life. Do you find that your new partner is cancelling plans last minute? This might seem superficial – it’s not a deadly sin – but if you don’t find somebody who’s grounded in their own life, “A”: it shows a disrespect for you and your time, and “B”: they might not be the kind of person that can have a very secure life which is necessary for most people.
• You want to find somebody who’s emotionally available. Are they ready to deepen, to open up and move forward, and deepen the relationship and commit to you or do they have difficulty with that?
• Are they physically available? Sometimes people are workaholics and have an imbalanced life and are not able to give the quality time necessary to build a relationship.
• You also want to make sure you’re not with a controlling person. Sometimes people will manipulate you to get what they need. You want to find somebody who’s respectful of your needs, you’re respectful of theirs; and when you can meet in the middle, they won’t resort to ultimatums, or withdrawing love, or perhaps making you feel bad or guilty for having a different need.
Now, again, you yourself want to be healthy in a relationship, and in addition, to find somebody healthy. We’re all at different places, but you want to find somebody who has the capacity at least to move forward and become healthier. Be discerning, take care of yourself. You deserve to have a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.