I’m going to give you some information that could save your relationship. Making amends and knowing how to apologize in a good way is essential to happiness, it’s essential for not having baggage in your relationship, for healing things up so they don’t have to carry weight for either one of you in the future, […]
If you want to be in a relationship, you need to be with someone who is capable of showing up and participating in that relationship. So many of us want to be in relationships so badly that we overlook someone’s capacity to have one. If you’re dating and want to be in a committed relationship, […]
Normal and valid experiences:
• Overwhelming grief and sadness catches us off guard
• Emotional ups and downs lead us to feel like we are going crazy
• Concern with over-burdening our loved ones with our sadness and grief
• If you where the one who didn’t have a choice in ending the relationship you are left feeling powerless, […]
I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’m here to talk about conversations starters. Who hasn’t felt nervous when meeting new people? Which one of us hasn’t put our proverbial foot in our mouth and has fallen flat on our face when we tried to talk to somebody new?
My suggestion is to always be […]
I’m going to talk about the fear of intimacy. Now many of us have been hurt in a relationship, so being in a relationship can be scary business, which can be completely normal.
For some of us, though, we’ve been hurt to such an extent that we could even be in a healthy marriage and we end up pushing people away at some point and time, whether it’s six months, a year, or every two years.
And deep down inside, the root of this is oftentimes fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment or fear of rejection. And somewhere along the line, we have been hurt. Maybe when we were children, there was a divorce or a parent abandoned us at some level. As adults, we’ve been betrayed; we’ve been hurt – and sometimes to such an extent that it makes it very difficult for us to have our hearts opened to another person.
I’m here to talk about our stories. Our stories that we have about who other people are, or for instance, how people feel about us.
The reason why I say stories is because we see a behavior or we believe something to be true based on some sort of truth that we actually experience. What we do is we extrapolate that oftentimes and make that into a larger story. A story that someone doesn’t like us, they’re angry or upset, or someone is unhappy in their lives. It can leave us in a difficult spot, because over time, people do change.
Sometimes when we believe something is true about somebody, we treat them differently – sometimes not in a good way. So I want you to use your gut. I want you to use your intuition and gauge the world and protect yourself in situations or in relationships.
But what I want you to do is question those long-lasting, or even short-lasting, stories that you have about who people are or about how they feel about your or something else.
Oftentimes, it’s not true. So if you could as the question, perhaps even ask the person, “Hey, I noticed you seem to be angry with me. Are you angry with me?” When people do this, it’s such a lovely surprise, because oftentimes, it’s like, “Oh, no, I wasn’t.” And it’s such a relief, because who knows how long you would’ve held onto that for and how painful that might’ve been.
A lot of us have a hard time saying no. I think specifically in the workplace it’s exceptionally hard for most of us.
Now, I know when you’re hired to do a job and your boss asks you to do something, you typically have to do it, because that’s what you were hired to do. But there’s a lot of cases I think – for example, when a peer asks you do to something – where we feel like we should say yes, and we do, and we feel regretful about it. I have a tactful way of handling this I think is really respectful to both parties.
A perfectionist thinks that anything less then perfect is unacceptable. Most of us are just plain hard on ourselves for not achieving what we think we should. The problem is perfection is not obtainable or sustainable, thus you are never satisfied. Our self criticism can come from a number of places. From a difficult, strict upbringing, or we can be driven to perfection in order to make people respect or love us more. No matter what the motivation, the resulting painful element is not feeling like we are good enough. We miss the gentleness and our inherent value as human beings.
Healing the inner perfectionist
- Understanding perfect is boring and uninteresting
- It is the scrapper and underdog that is most admired
- Make it a practice of being the best person you can be, without expectation of an outcome. (See and admit shortcomings, and get back up when you fall off your practice)
I’m wishing you a warm, happy holiday and I would like for you to have a stress-free holiday.
Many of us get stressed during these times. There are times when there’s shoulds that we have. “I have to do this” or “I should do that.” We often overextend ourselves. Here are some suggestions.
One is if you’re ever in a place where you’re feeling stressed out, give yourself permission to stop. Take some breaths. Relax. Take a couple days off even.
Another thing is sometimes we have expectations about events, about how they’re going to be, whether we’re going to like it or we’re not going to like it. It’s great to have no expectations. So if you can catch yourself and just go into every situation taking it as it comes, it’s a much better place to be in.
Also, there are so many different invitations and things going on for the holidays, sometimes we overextend ourselves. We feel like we need to say yes to all these invitations. I want to give you permission to say no. Don’t overextend yourself, so that the places you actually go to, you’ll want to be there. You won’t be as stressed and you’ll be more present. In general, it will be better for you and everyone else.
Passive forms of communication include passive aggressiveness, guilt, silent scorn, and eye rolling or other non-verbal behavior. Passive communication forms such as these manifest into these passive forms when we are not in environments or family systems that support our true feelings or needs. We withhold our truth in an attempt to avoid saying something uncomfortable, confrontational or potentially upsetting. For some people, this may seem like a caring act. Upon closer examination, however, we find more dysfunction than benefit. Our true needs or feelings get suppressed and eventually come out sideways. Passive forms of communication are not only unclear and ripe with misinterpretation but they also lead to ongoing resentment and a feeling of manipulation.
The best way to break this cycle is to ourselves be more assertive. When we have needs or uncomfortable feelings we risk the confrontation knowing the alternative to be ultimately more painful and confusing.
Steps to overcome passive communication:
1. Stop doing what ‘you think’ the other person wants
2. Notice behavior in others that is unclear or unsaid
3. Check out your assumption with the other person
1. I noticed you rolled your eyes, are you upset?
2. When you say you don’t care anymore, are you trying to say you do not want to go with me?
3. When you say I am ‘acting like a baby’, are you trying to tell me you do not like my decision?
The point of this practice is to diminish the use of passive forms of communication to manipulation or control. These steps are not meant to teach or change others; they are here to change our relationship with them. We invite clear communication, support all needs being addressed and if necessary, deal with two opposing needs.
Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT